Operation: Wizard World

The world as we know it is a place of rules. Of laws. And I don't just mean laws on illegal firearm possession, but natural laws. For uncounted centuries we have known that this world - nay, universe - was ruled by the laws of physics, and that we were in control of our own destinies...but is this true? Or are we just living under a regime of strict governmental controls, much as we have done for thousands of years with implanted memories of a past? In short...is this the *real* world? Or are we just lab rats in a horrible experiment by unseen masters, ruled by beings we can't even see, bound by chains we can't feel except through their effects? In short...are we the unwitting subjects of...|drumroll, please|...OPERATION: WIZARD WORLD?
(for the record, no, this isn't a rip of the Matrix)

In the early 21st century, a two-man investigation team(names withheld to protect identities) began to uncover evidence of the above. They discovered, in short, that physics is just a Government creation, used by them to rule us for countless years, and that we were actually living in the early 32nd century. The Government had been controlling us for hundreds, maybe thousands of years through physics, and most of our past(including the age we're currently living in) has already happened. Physics wasn't around for the ancient egyptians; it's how they could build the pyramids. Every great physicist who's led us to believe in physics; Einstein, Newton, Galileo, Feynman and the like; were all Government plants, placed where they were to increase our belief in physics. That actually explained a lot for me. Like my physics teacher.

The team also found that the Government is not the highest rung; they answer to the wizards. The wizards are the true masterminds of this plan, the shadowy architects who are never seen for the simple reason that they're invisible. They also look like giant furry Mice, which might be why they want to stay invisible. That's why the government keeps creating(that's right; not discovering, creating) smaller particles in an atom; it's so people won't start trying to figure out the wizard parts. It's also why you can't reach or go past absolute zero or the speed of light; you'll be able to see through the illusion if you do.

However, the length of time and sheer size of this illusion means that there must have been some innocent ones, both wizards and physicists, or humans who tried to get in on the wizard-act. And in fact there were. So what became of these rogues, you ask? Why aren't they striving to free us from this bondage? Well, to answer that question, they aren't around anymore. What happened to them is widely known as the Salem witch trials. Scary how it all fits together, innit?
(no, i'm not crazy, and no i'm not on drugs either)

Aliens Ho!

I wonder why we haven't been contacted by aliens. Unless we have and don't know it. But proceeding on the assumption that we haven't, I have to wonder why. I mean, the fact that the galaxy is huge and that maybe they just don't give a sh*t about us could be one thing, but then every advanced alien race has inscrutable motives and always needs a race of guinea pigs. Discounting the possibility that they just don't give a sh*t about us, and that maybe they have better stuff to do than keep messing with us, I've figured out why we haven't seen any aliens with really cool futuristic shyte and funky superpowers - they're scared of us.

I mean, imagine yourself in their shoes(or whatever they have): You're an advanced alien race with nothing better to do than mess with the heads of pathetic talking monkeys who're dominated by Mice, which will give you valuable scientific data that your advanced-ness and superior-ness hasn't already given you. Besides, it's a kick. You head over to their little green-and-blue planet and what do you find? You find that they're a lot more than you bargained for. They're a race that inflicts the mindless stupidity of Hollywood on themselves, their most powerful grouping(nation) is ruled by some jackass with an IQ so low it's a miracle in itself he can walk, talk, and breathe at the same time (let alone try to run the world), and they subject their progeny to stupidity, titchy desks, and unfair workloads that they call a "skule sistum", or some such. This is the race you're going to mess with. Hnh, good luck there, pardner! They're so f'd up already it'd be impossible to take one onto your secret-mothership-orbiting-Uranus (lol) without risking the complete destruction of your ship because the damned talking monkey drove your scientists insane, and now they're tearing their hair (or whatever they have) out and running around in purple shorts that smell green, convinced that they're being chased by an evil monster called "Jacko"(the whacko) who wants to sodomize their kids(or something like that)! And that's not even mentioning 90's pop and the Spice Girls...*vomit*

Honestly, what do you think are the chances that aliens of the universe are going to try talking to the species who could allow something as lethal as the Spice Girls come into existence? Honestly, I'm surprised they haven't blown us up for that alone...I'm pretty sure that they've at the very least issued some kind of warning: *ALL YE WHO GO TO EARTH...DON'T!!*

How do we correct this grave situation? I mean, after all, no aliens means no really cool futuristic shyte or funky superpowers. So we need them on Earth. My solution:
1) Destroy Hollywood with pony stampedes. That'll serve those f*ckers right. Besides, the Brits are good enough with english movies.
2) Depose Bush, and install a chimp in his place. He/She'll do a better job, and legalize weed and 'shrooms while he/she's at it.
3) No more school. We have to think of the future, after all.
Oh, and
4) Finish off the Spice Girls. We've got them scattered and disorganized, let's finish the job and eliminate them permanently before they can do any more damage.

We do this, and we're bound to get plenty of alien visitors. I mean, they're gonna wanna get in on the fun and get high themselves, right? And if not, we can drop summa that ourselves and think they're here anyway ;).

Stupid title links...

See, here's my problem: I can't figure out to to make title links just be a number, instead of the word-word-word. Plus, I can't quite figure out how to set it to link untitled posts by their date and number, at the very least. Even if I can't get the first thing, the second'd be really nice. Y'know, instead of this being "/See-heres-my-problem-i", it'd just be "/12-03-06/1", or something. I mean, if this was untitled.

It would be a lot better though if this ("/stupid-title-links...") could be changed to something like "/14". Y'know, posts linked on the basis of serial numbers? If anyone has any idea as to how to set this up, lemme know.

*echo* If anyone has any idea as If anyone has any idea If anyone has any id- *echo*

Ah well...

The Real Nature of Jack's Third Wife

Recently, I’ve found myself spending more and more time in front of my computer(no small feat, in my case), engaged in activities intended to pull ones mind into realms of fantasy. By which I mean video games and e-books, so don’t be getting any ideas, buddy. In a rather desperate attempt to return to the real world, as it were, I tried to refocus my attention on my studies – something which has never worked too well before, but it had to be tried. Needless to say, I’ve met with miserable yet consistent failure. I think I’m beginning to understand how junkies feel (damn Call of Duty 2…) – I’m practically addicted to the 17-inch TFT screen on my desk, beaming its contents out in glorious 32-bit color. I mean, it’s pretty hard to tear myself away for such trivial items as showering and hygiene, and return to normal, dull, reality.

But then, what is reality? All of this got me thinking about the nature of reality, as we call it. We all assume that the world we live in is, indeed, the world – it’s all reality. Many people – especially these “positive thinking gurus” – repeatedly tell us that the world is what we want it to be, and going by the notion that the world is reality (and/or vice versa), we find that reality is what we want it to be. While it’s true that this is regarded as a more extreme view, it’s also true that it’s also often criticized (IMO) out of hand.

(as an aside, when I say “world” during the course of this rambling, I’m referring to not only this planet, but the universe as well)

Let me back up a little, and try to see if I can organize my thoughts somewhat here. As far as I know, there are 3 widely recognized (not necessarily accepted) views as to what “reality” is –
1) that “reality” is the world, as it is, and that the laws of this world are unbreakable. The laws of humanity may be breakable to varying extents, but not those of the world itself. (the first idea)
2) that “reality” is what we make it, and subjective, either entirely or in part. (the second idea)
3) that “reality” is something non-existent, and that everything is an illusion. None of it is real in the slightest. (the third idea)
There are probably – in fact there are bound to be – more viewpoints than this, but for the purposes of this piece, I’ll confine myself to working with only these three. Now, all schools of philosophical thought believe in one of these three, or some combination of any of the three, or all, or none. Or they just say that they don’t know, and that the answer is unknowable. Realistic Agnosticism, I s’pose you could call it. Then again, you could call it Jack’s third wife too. Wonderful.

Returning to the unfinished bit above, what, then, is the true nature of reality? Does/Must it even have a “true” nature? The first idea is something many of us have been brought up to believe, and as such, I don’t feel it needs any further explanation. If the world truly is reality, and its laws are inviolate, then we know precisely where we stand. It’s the second and the third ideas which lead to other, more interesting (again, IMO) possibilities.

If it’s all an illusion (or beyond our comprehension), then there’s no point in speculating as to its true nature any more than there is to a bacterium speculating on the death penalty. A crude analogy, but I think it conveys the message. But what if reality really is what we make it? What if it’s all entirely subjective? Many toss this idea out the window saying that if it were, then why isn’t that nut over there floating? I mean, he’s high and he believes he is, doesn’t he? So why isn’t he? At this point, we are left to turn to the first idea. After all, if the second holds no water and the third is beyond our grasp, what else is left?

One thing which critics – and, to a large extent, supporters - of the second idea never seem to add to that pot is social inertia. Consider, if you will, a case often made regarding morality. A man commits a murder which he genuinely believes to be right. Society disagrees. The poor slob gets the chair, or maybe the gas chamber, or maybe just 10 to 20 – whatever it is, he’s punished. Since punishment only follows a crime, and since a crime, by definition, is something that’s wrong, our man – the murderer who really thought he was right – has actually done something wrong. Why? Because society – read: the majority – says so. A clear case of social inertia defining morality (and there are loads more).

You see where I’m going with this – what if the world is the way it is simply because society thinks it is? What if the laws of physics are what they are simply because the majority believes they are? But then, who defines the majority? Is it numerical, or is it those in power who decide? Who defines power? What if there is no majority, and there are only mutually conflicting views? Again, in order to make this idea work, let’s add another concept – that reality isn’t necessarily the same for everyone.

At this point, it all becomes much clearer, in a roundabout sort of fashion. Why does the earth revolve around the sun? Because I say so. So what about that guy over there, who says the earth doesn’t revolve around the sun at all, that they both revolve around the moon, which is made of pink cheese and has a core of green eggs and ham – what about him? Well, that’s true too – to him. In my reality (if I may use the term), he’s a nutcase; in his, I’m the nutcase. While this is oversimplifying the idea, it does give rise to a question (and certainly more than one, but I can’t think of the others right now): Why aren’t we all in realities where we’re happy?

To this question, there’re only three words I can answer with – I don’t know. Well, four if you don’t like contractions. But does the fact that one doesn’t know exactly how it all works mean that ones ideas are impossible? Did Copernicus know the precise workings of gravity and the solar system when he proposed his Heliocentric model? Did this mean that his idea was impossible?

As AmiLEan Questions says, all too often we confuse criticism and a critical attitude. All too often we neglect possibilities out of hand, when the reality (there’s that word again) of the situation is that we simply don’t know – we may believe from the bottom of our heart (and then some), but that isn’t quite the same as knowing.

That’s not to say that only one idea must be true. Where’s it written that reality is unchangeable? Maybe it keeps changing. And I don’t mean to say that I think any particular idea about the nature of reality is true – I just speculate, I don’t know. So I guess I subscribe to Jack’s third wife, I mean, Realistic Agnosticism. Surprising how dirty that sounds…

I’m sure that many people would say that the truth of the first idea – and the nature of reality - isn’t widely accepted dogma, it’s just common sense. To them I respond – Is there really a difference between the two?

(I actually wrote this post a couple months ago, just forgot to post it)

New Deal

The other day my dad and I went to see Casino Royale. Watching the new Bond movie at a movie theater has been one of our tried and tested traditions, something that’s held ever since Pierce Brosnan was signed on (we never liked Dalton much). So it was with a great deal of caution that we approached newcomer Daniel Craig’s first outing as James Bond – we weren’t quite sure what to expect from this new deck of cards, you see, especially since he’s the first blonde Bond. Anyway, we went there and settled in to our seats, hoping for the best, but secretly expecting the worst.

The film, however, managed to beat my expectations considerably. Craig’s portrayal of a younger, colder, and more reckless Bond was just about perfect. Gone is the smooth player with his fast cars, and laser watches – instead, we have a skilled rookie who makes mistakes, acts without thinking, and has no compunctions at all. The fact that he’s blonde, when combined with his eyes, only adds to the “coldness” of his face, which is quite refreshing after Pierce Brosnan and his incessant charm. Not that he was bad, just that the change was nice, even if Craig lacks that touch of an Irish accent I loved in Brosnan and Connery.

(correction - Connery's got a Scottish accent, not Irish. Sorry.)

Another thing worth noting – there’s no Q or Moneypenny. Frankly, I feel that’s a good thing. No more fantabulous gadgets, no more fawning secretary, and no more deus ex machina to bail him out. The only tech this new Bond seems to use is his cell phone (an Ericsson, for the curious). Yet another most welcome change – there’s no Bond uber-car. As good-looking as they were, Die Another Day’s car and its active camouflage were the limit. The new Bond relies more on his fists and feet – plenty of brawling and general running/jumping around. Better for the inner adrenaline junkie when there’s no magic laser popping out of a shoe or whatever. What’s more, he isn’t so fond of his dinner jackets (or suits, or whatever you call them), either– he wears what he feels like wearing, and doesn’t obsess over his bloody martinis.

As for the story, well, it could've been better, although it could've been much worse too. The rundown (for those few of you living in Siberia who haven’t heard, given the recent media hype) – Bond becomes a 00 agent, goes after some dude called “Le Chiffre” (or summat), and gets involved in some high-stakes poker. Card games were never that interesting to me, but this one wasn’t so bad. For the most part, though, I was busy checking out Eva Green while the poker was going on ;).

Speaking of which, we now come to the Bond girls (knew you were waiting for it). Call me sexist, call me a male chauvinist pig, hell, call me Elmo if you like, the Bond girls are often among the most anticipated elements of a Bond movie, and they usually meet expectations. Mixed reactions with regard to this one, though. Caterina Murino is pretty underused – think she could’ve had a bigger role, although Eva Green did a pretty fair job. Neither was overdone or tacky, and there wasn’t the whole “good-girl-bad-girl” runaround of the past 2 movies.

That’s not to say that they were perfect – like I mentioned, Caterina Murino is strictly one-dimensional, and Eva Green a tad – just a tad – unconvincing. But what the heck, no one’s perfect.

Best part of the movie – the starting sequence. Y’know, the little bit where they usually have the silhouettes of girls bending and twisting? This time around, they’ve got a rather different style, and better music to boot. Then again, it’d have to be pretty bad to not be better than Madonna, know what I mean?

On the whole, it was worth my time and money. The coldness in Craig’s eyes, his lack of fantabulous contraptions, and the casual irreverence he with which treats M (Judi Dench, convincing as ever) really help portray the image of a younger, inexperienced Bond out on his first sortie as 007.

I do have some reservations, however. Remember Timothy Dalton? The Living Daylights was a real shot in the arm for the franchise, but License to Kill pretty much killed Dalton’s career. It would be sad if Craig went the same way, and his next movie bombed. So although Casino Royale was certainly near-perfect, can Craig maintain the same level of quality, or will he be a one-hit wonder? As the cliché goes, I suppose only time will tell.

Attention! Conspiracy is afoot!

*I ran. I ran as hard as I could. It wasn't fast enough. As I turned my head back, time seemed to dilate; I could see the beast's mouth opening, as a monstrous roar issued from the gaping maw of t-*
"YOU!! PAY ATTENTION!!", bellowed my teacher. Well, ok, she didn't bellow, I was right in front of her, but it still seemed loud to me.

However, her remarks got me thinking(ha-ha-not-funny); what was this mysterious "attenshen"? Some sort of new currency? And why should I have to pay a fine for daydreaming in class? I mean, everywhere I go, everyone seems to be rich as far as “attenshen” goes. Everyone seems to be able to pay unlimited amounts of it, meeting even the high costs of school without flinching. "Pay attention in school? Of course I do", was the general response I got. What's more, everyone seems to be able to pay attention, everywhere. I must be getting old, if everyone's gotten rich in a new (and possibly international) form of currency without my knowing.

I can just imagine what the headlines must’ve been like...”World strikes it rich! Everyone except random guy in India is now a billionaire in new currency!”. Lovely.

But if it’s a real currency, then there's gotta be some kind of "Attention Economy", with depressions and bull runs and everything. I wonder how many dollars to the attention...but since everyone I meet seems to be throwing attention away like it was immaterial, I'm pretty sure attention's been pretty heavily devalued recently. Attention is probably worth as much as German marks were after WW1.

I'm pretty sure that there's a conspiracy afoot here (yes, another one of those); I mean, no one will show me these new currency notes, and when I ask for a loan of some (okay, a few million) attention(s?), people just laugh. It's like the whole world is trying to keep me attention-bankrupt, like a massive, orchestrated attempt by the entire world to keep one random person in the dark. A little implausible, perhaps, but more believable than the suggestion of no conspiracy at all. After all, there’s always a conspiracy. And it’s always aimed at the person who discovers it. True wisdom indeed.

Recently, I was discussing this idea with a friend of mine (incidentally, he’s attention-bankrupt too). He brought up several very good points; for starters, are there attention banks? In that case, can we change dollars/rupees into attention? Or (more importantly) vice versa? What’s the going rate?

If we can, I'm going to the bank first thing to get some attention. Rather, to convert some attention into harder currency. Alternately, we could steal some from someone with lots of it – some of my classmates, for example, are never told to "pay attention". I'm sure they wouldn't miss any. From there, all that’s left is to pay off the collectors, and I should be home free.

Random non-sequitur: why do we say "thank you"? It's like third person. Or caveman speak. Or something. I mean, "I thank you", could work; "we thank you" would be fine; but "thank you"? Who is thanking me? You? Your pet dog? The stoner across the street? Dubya? It's like saying "am smart", instead of "I am smart".

I think I'll go check with the bank now. Time to put on my ski mask...

Kill Bush!!

Cuz if I ain't getting none, why should anyone else?

Yes, that was a dirty joke, unless you're a US Federal agent, someone who likes Bush (the person), or just an asshole/idiot (they're all pretty much the same); in which case that reflects a plot by the denizens of Shinyland to kill George W Bush. No, really, we honestly don't have anything better to do, or lives to get to, and we broadcast these things OVER THE FUCKING INTERNET, ON OUR FUCKING BLOGS! For those of you who haven't heard, some girl posted a bulletin or something on her Myspace with "kill bush" (or some such) in it, so she was taken in for questioning. By the Secret Service. While she was in school.

I can just imagine what the scene at the White House would’ve been like –
Secret Service Agent: “Mr. President, a 14 year old girl in Sacramento wants to kill you.”
Dubya: “Gosh darn it, now I’m really smoked! Call in the Marines!”
Secret Service Agent: “Sir, by the way, we’ve received word of another Al-Qaeda plot in the works.”
Dubya: “Forget about them, they're really just misunderstood. I mean, they led us to all those dope and oil fields, didn't they? Focus on this kid. See if she knows where my teddy bear is. And where’s Dick? He was supposed to read me my bedtime story...”

Haven’t they got bigger fish to fry? Or are they really worried that a 14 year old schoolgirl on the other side of the country is really going to try, let alone succeed at, killing Bush? And doesn’t the Secret Service have anything better to do than going after kids and monitoring Myspace? After all, Osama is suuuure to use Myspace to contact his terrorist brethren across the globe…Why bother with messengers and drops and all those other spy-thingies; he uses Myspace! Maybe he uses Blogger (or Xanga, or Multiply, or whatever), too, in which case I’m going to have to figure out exactly how he goes so long without pizza or the internet in those damn caves of his.

Then again, it’s typical of a Republican to be this stupid; does Orrin Hatch ring a bell? Of course, Hatch is more of a hypocritical sellout than he is stupid, but you get the idea. I wonder what Samuel L Jackson would say if he was political and anti-Republican...”Enough is enough! I have HAD it with these MUTHAFUGGIN REPUBLICANS in this MUTHAFUGGIN COUNTRY!”, and then he’d proceed to kill them all with his mad Jedi skillz0rz. Or something.

Not to say that all Republicans are stupid, hypocrites, sellouts, or general all-round asses; I know plenty of normal Republicans who are perfectly nice people, and pretty smart, too. It’s just the leadership that I take exception to. Specifically the leader. In any case, all this is supposedly illegal on my part - you're not supposed to make threats against the "President" in the US of A. Not that I'm in the US of A, but I still wonder if he'll send his CIA men in for a rendition and haul me off to Gitmo or wherever...

Of course, this is all purely hypothetical, since you're probably neither a US federal agent, an asshole/idiot, nor someone who likes bush, I mean Bush, or you wouldn't be reading this. Assuming that you'd be able to read at all. And since you can, therefore you (probably) aren't (one of the three), suffice to say that Bush, I mean bush, does equate to (a) pussy.

(something to keep in mind - the last time somone listened to (a) Bush, a bunch of people wandered in the desert for 40 years)

Prisons of the Mind

Consciences are prisons of the mind. People without consciences are free.

There. I said it. But before you decide to lynch me, let me explain how I arrived at this somewhat unusual statement.

Our conscience dictates the way we view everything. When I say conscience, I mean our sense of what’s right and what’s wrong. Our morality, so to speak. Of course, morality is merely a part of our conscience. A huge part, to be sure, but only a part, nonetheless. So when we view certain things, say polygamy for instance, as “right” or “wrong”, it’s our consciences telling us that it is so.

The same applies to all our opinions. Our conscience dictates our points of view, which dictate our opinions. This can, and almost inevitably will, lead to certain paradigms which would be nigh unshakeable. Which is why it would be difficult for a person who’s grown up thinking that polygamy is wrong all his life to put himself in the shoes of a person who thinks it is right, and vice versa; his conscience tells him it is so, and therefore he is unable to believe anything else.

That a conscience prevents us from doing certain things, I don’t think anyone will dispute. That it often bars us from doing the needful, well, I imagine a great many would dispute that point.

Often, this firm belief in what is “right” and “wrong” prevents us from taking the most pragmatic path available. We may even decide to go against our conscience, but the guilt or shame that comes after would seriously mess with us, and could drive us over the edge in certain extreme cases.

Another example. Say you really need some money. Suppose there’s someone who’s got pots full of the stuff, and wouldn’t miss the amount you need. Now, suppose you could steal some of this person’s money – just what you need – and be done with it. The only fly in the ointment being your conscience; it keeps telling you not to do it, you shouldn’t, it’s wrong, you shouldn’t steal, ad nauseum ad infinitum.

Your only other option is to spend a whole lot of time working for the money, or not get what you want at all. In my opinion, the path of least resistance here would be to just steal the money and do with it what you will. You’re happy, the person you stole from isn’t upsetted by this turn of events, and no one else is harmed. Your conscience, as I said, is all that prevents you from doing so. Because of your conscience, you can steal the money, but if you do so, you’ll be treated to a guilt trip which would certainly annoy you, to say the least. A person without a conscience, however, would be free to do as he pleased, or as his abilities and capacities permitted.

A conscience does more than that. It is what makes you feel bad after you get low grades, it is what makes you feel guilty when you lie to get an extension you need, it is what prevents you from telling an obnoxious/unwanted guest to get the hell out of your house. It does all this, and then some. Also, as mentioned above, a conscience often prevents you from gaining proper understanding of a situation by preventing you from being able to put yourself in the shoes of another, which, if nothing else, could lead one to making uneconomical choices, or inflicting suffering on a person for simply doing what he/she had to.

Our consciences aren’t even something that we install ourselves, really; the base work is laid by the society we grow up in, and though we may later modify it, it’s a rare person who changes it against the dictates of his/her society, or really changes the foundations of his/her conscience. Such people are usually called “deviant”, or are said to have “gone crazy”.

So essentially, we punish others for adhering to moral standards – possessing consciences – which go against ours. In a way, it’s what’s happening to Saddam; he’s stuck to his standards, whatever they may be, and because they go against what we think is right and proper, we’re trying to have him punished. Yes, I know he’s killed a lot of people, and I’m neither condoning nor condemning his actions, but he listened to his conscience, whatever it may have said, and because they go against what ours say, we want him executed, or locked away for all eternity. Or, in my opinion, be forced to eat rotten tapioca and listen to Kenny G 24/7. But then, that’s just me.

We say that people without consciences are monsters, but do they think so? Does a so-called “monster” care about his “misdeeds”? Not at all; he/she’d be perfectly happy so long as he/she gets what he/she wants. So in a way, a person without a conscience would be happier than a person with a conscience. He/she can do whatever is necessary to get what he/she wants, and would feel no regrets later; no pangs of guilt or shame to keep him/her awake at night, no moral dilemmas to brood over, nothing of the sort. Simply satisfaction at having gotten what he/she wanted. The only circumstance in which I can imagine that this wouldn’t be true is if our “monster” is simply incapable of getting what he/she wants. But then, that upsets everyone, conscience or no.

While it seems evident that if everyone had no/really really flexible (like Mr. Fantastic) consciences, society would break down into chaos and anarchy, it still seems to me, that a conscience is nothing but a prison in our head of society’s making, yet another way to make us fit in with the crowd. And as a result, I still believe that people without consciences are the only people who are really and truly free.

- Note -

This was originally posted (by me, of course) on blogchaat. I just reposted because I'm feeling a little lazy these days, and have a ton of work which I should really get down to. Nothing much else is new, I just need to get some new batteries for my camera so that i can upload pics of my x-rays here. Look pretty cool, if I do say so myself.

School of Nations

Another convo with Aaron...

ShinyButterKnife : we should have holidays for every time the french got their butts kicked
ShinyButterKnife: like, every day of the year would be one
AirRon912: haha
ShinyButterKnife: i honestly don't think they've ever had a military victory except with napoleon
AirRon912: well wwi and wwII both cover everything
ShinyButterKnife: but then, even in 1 and 2
ShinyButterKnife: they never one a solo victory, they ALWAYS had help
AirRon912: they helped us win the revolution
ShinyButterKnife: again, no solo victory. they're like, the losers of the military world
AirRon912: the little guy that eats lunch in the corner
ShinyButterKnife: who's a loser on his own
ShinyButterKnife: but talks tough when the big guys're on his side
ShinyButterKnife: germany's like, the kid who should win, but everyone gangs up on him
ShinyButterKnife: so he loses
ShinyButterKnife: and he's always gotta support all his loser friends
AirRon912: lol america is like the noob haxorz that happens to get a headshot all the time
ShinyButterKnife: lol yeah
ShinyButterKnife: canada's like, the suck-up who wants to learn how to be a n00b hax0rz
AirRon912: haha
AirRon912: russia's like a gang of skinny guys that happens to beat the big guys
ShinyButterKnife: because no one ever thinks to bring central heating over when they invade them
AirRon912: loll
ShinyButterKnife: seriously, the only thing that'd kick ass on russia is central heating
ShinyButterKnife: "comrade, comrade, it is growing very warm!" "call the kgb! we must see if we have token for warmth!"
AirRon912: lolll
ShinyButterKnife: and china's like the big fat guy who gets pwned by the skinny kids
AirRon912: but is taking jujitsu classes
ShinyButterKnife: and started to work out
AirRon912: and is making everyone his bitch in reverse
ShinyButterKnife: and japan's like, the skinny kid who used to kick everyone's ass
AirRon912: but then the noob headshoted him
ShinyButterKnife: lol yeah
ShinyButterKnife: and england's like, the kid who failed the 3rd grade 9 times, and is like, older/bigger/more of a loser than everyone else
AirRon912: and sucks up to the n00b
ShinyButterKnife: yeah, the world's just like school when you get right down to it...

Mmmm....Painkillers.....

Well, I've now learned one of the most important lessons of riding - a Pony of Grayness (my scooter, one of the old 120cc Marvels. It's not quite a Steed of Darkness, so...yeah) isn't exactly the best thing to pull tight turns in. Yes, the Pony's fine, thanks very much for caring, oh non-existent audience of mine. I managed to get away with nothing more than a few bruises and scrapes, so I guess I should be thankful...

Now that I'm done whining, I've got nothing to say. Dammit, I hate it when this happens.

Colorblind

Prussian Blue.

For those of you fortunate enough to not know who they are, I’ll give you the rundown. Essentially, they’re a couple of preteen white blondie twins (no, not the Olsons) named “Lamb” and “Lynx” who call themselves a “White Pride Group”. Their website calls them the “guiding light of a new generation”.

Yes, Lamb and Lynx. No, I’m not kidding. Wish I were, but I’m not. Now, don’t get me wrong, I’ve got nothing against being proud of your race or naming your kids whatever you want. I mean, I get Sunshine. I get Leaf. I even get Flaming Pile of Pus. But Lamb and Lynx? Were their parents high when they were naming them? Wait, forget I asked; I know they were. They had to be. Why else would they name one kid after food/clothing, and another after an old program/handheld by Atari?

As for the white pride thing… Girls, you wanna help inspire pride in white people by singing? Here’s some free advice: don’t. You’ve got nothing new/interesting to sell. Wait a couple years until your boobs fill out, and then you can at least try to get people to listen to you - with videos filled with gratuitous T&A. Hell, it worked for Britney Spears and Lindsay Lohan didn’t it?

I actually went to the extent of picking up some of their (Prussian Blue’s) music and listening to it. Sad, but true. What really pisses me off, is not that they’re neo-Nazis (and pretty pathetic ones at that); it’s not that their granddad apparently loves Nazi memorabilia and plasters it everywhere; it’s not even that their mom (”April Gaede”) is a nutty cracker supremacist who makes the KKK look passé in terms of her brainwashing ability (with regard to her daughters, I mean); no, what really gets under my skin is none of that; it’s that, simply put, their music SUCKS!

I’m not talking sucky as in sort-of sucky. I’m talking sucky as in MEGA sucky. It’s just two scratchy voices mumbling the same incoherent phrases again and again, with some basic acoustic guitaring in the back! If you’re going to be the “guiding light of a new generation”, at least do it right, girls! Of course, the music industry being what it is today, these girls are probably going to end up with a contract with a major recording company (good riddance, they’re giving indie labels a bad name), have their videos edited so that they look older (gotta target the MTV demographic), become crack addicts and die of overdose at the ripe old age of 15 after releasing one album that goes nowhere.

Or so I hope.

I recall reading on the comments section of some blog that was parodying them – can’t remember which one – that they if/when they come up with a music video, they ought to do it standing behind a fully pimped out Panzer with like, gold everything and fur upholstery. Be that as it may, but like I said, not for a few more years, and NOT until I get some gratuitous T&A with it.

Moving on, I now direct your attention to their name. “Prussian Blue”? Sounds like a rip of Peruvian Blue (old slang for cocaine, now usually “Peruvian Lady”. or so I hear. not that I'd know. also a new band). They remind me of the Teletubbies; the only people who’d like them are people who have no clue what they’re saying/doing, or stoners who’re really, really high. The latter is pretty much the same as the former, but you get my point. I’ve listened to some of their music (a lot of it’s supposedly in German), and I have to say, Hitler really should’ve thought of using preteen white chicks with crappy music as advertising. The following are some quotes (verbatim, including any errors) of some fan mail from their website:

To be honest-I kinda agree with you girls… I mean I think it’s cool that god made us different& that we are different, but if we keep getting races mixed, we will have no idea who we are-and it will be a big BLOB of black, white, Asian, etc. I really don’t want that to happen. And I hope you girls do great on your music-because people need to know that we can’t end up as a big pile of un-known blob, and that we need to keep races un-mixed. I wish you girls much luck, & maybe people can see that you girls aren’t mean. And also, thank you for writing back! Now I know the truth-and NOT a lie. TV shouldn’t say lies about you girls, but I guess that’s what TV does… Well, good luck, thank you,& GOOD LUCK!!! : ) -Jenny-

and

Hi Prussian blue, I think you girls are awesome! I am white blonde like you, but I cant sing as good. I think its great that you girls wanna preserve our race :-) love Kelly

also

Dear Prussian Blue, I first read about you girls in a magazine some time ago, and I decided to visit your website. I’ve listened to some of the sample songs and I think they a wonderful. You are very talented and you WILL go far! I think your beliefs about preserving the White race are very important and special. And the more people you can get to understand that, the better. It is true that many white girls are getting black boyfriends, and I just don’t think that this is right. The reason we started off in our own countries, is so that our races would be separate and free to do our own things. Now, we have all been mixed into one, and the is no definite sense of “belonging” to one particular group. I was just wondering, (if it’s not being too nosy), did/do you have any black friends or mix with other races? Sorry, if this is a blunt question! Thank you, Jenny

What’s wrong with mixing with people of other races? What’s wrong with multiculturalism? I don’t know, but these girls sure seem to. While I believe that everyone is free to their own POV, I’ve never quite understood this one or ones like it. Belonging to a particular race? Way I see it, that’s just a waste of time, effort, and indicative of a lack of maturity. You can’t really help what race you’re born into, and whatever race you were born into has precious little effect on your mental constitution or lack thereof.

So why is it a matter of pride or shame to claim your genetic makeup? And since when was it against heterogenous-ness (if that’s even a word) to mix it up a little? Way I see it, you’re actually breaking the homogenous-ness (again with the word thing) by not keeping everything the same. Change is, after all, a cornerstone of life; you either change and adapt, or you wither and die. While the circumstances here are not nearly so serious as most in life, it’s a pretty accurate parallel with regard to the issue of racial mixing.

Seriously though, a couple of 13 year olds saying that they think races shouldn’t be mixed or we’ll all become homogenous blobs, and actually have people listening to them or caring? Like I said above, Hitler didn’t know what he was missing…

(for the record, uncyclopedia is awesome)

Of Toilets and Relativity

I hate religious ceremonies. Especially Hindu ones.

Those of you who’ve read my previous post on “the functions” doubtless understand, or at least know of, my stand on them. So it should come as no surprise that upon being informed that my house, my bastion, my base of operations, was going to be the site of a ritual of said type, I was pretty freaked out and scared. Freaked out because my very own sanctuary was about to be violated, and scared because, well, this wasn’t just going to be another one of those local ceremonies - oh no, the relatives were coming in.

The relatives.

A lot of you are probably wondering why this had me bugging out, so I’ll explain. When I say “the relatives”, i don’t just mean a few aunts and uncles, I mean something more along the lines of aunts, uncles, cousins, INCLUDING the most god-awfully distant ones. Not that I have anything against them, really, it’s more that me and most of the rest of my family exist along different planes of existence. Not higher or lower, better or worse, just really, really, REALLY different. This means, of course, that I end up spending ever-greater amounts of time in holed out in my room, hoping to escape this storm relatively unscathed(pun unintended). I mean, I’ve got nothing to talk about with them; no one’s fault, it’s just a fact.

The guest bedroom and mine share a common bathroom, which would explain the next bit.

One of the scarier parts is that most of the lot, through no fault of their own, of course, don’t seem to be have quite grasped the concept of the standard western-style toilet(update 7/5/07: this link doesn't seem to work anymore. sure you know what i'm talking about, though.) or it’s usage (they’re used to the standard indian), or aren’t quite comfortable (again, I can’t really blame them) with the idea of toilet paper. What this means is that my toilet seat is perpetually covered with water and dirty footprints, which are a hassle to clean and make it more than a little uncomfy to sit down on when the call must be answered. Also, all the toilet paper I’ve set out for those who wish to use it gets drenched by the, ah, water used for, um, washing, so I can’t really go until it’s dry. An aside, anyone who wants to restart the “wash or wipe” conversation, well, don’t. I’ve had my fill of it. Also, I occasionally end up losing my room for a few days so that the guests can use it. It wouldn’t be a problem normally, it’s simply that my mom “cleans” up my room, which, of course, upsets the delicate and precise arrangements of a teenagers living space. That, and my bed is always made. It’s just not right…

Of late, I’ve often wondered if Einstein was a whole hell of a lot smarter than we give him credit for. Consider, if you will, the impact of his theory of relativity on, well, relatives. After long hours of research (alright, a few seconds of eating cookies), I’ve managed to come up with a slightly modified version of his stuff, complete with some pseudo-equations. “There is no such thing as absolute boredom and frustration. The degree of boredom and frustration you face is relative to how many relatives you have over, how much other stuff you can’t do because of it, and how strong the social obligation that prevents you from doing said stuff is’.” That is,

e = µN^2,

where e = boredom and frustration in terms of energy(joules), N = number of relatives, and µ = amount of stuff (i.e., number of items) you want to but can’t do because of it into strength of social obligation (on a scale of 1-10).

Yes, I just pulled all of that out of my ass. But it does make an eerie kind of sense to me. Even if the only thing I want to do but can’t do is sleep all day.

But all this makes it harder to go down for meals. Which, sadly enough, are still a necessity. It’s not that their company is so unbearable, it’s just that questions I’d rather not answer are asked. And the sight of a guy eating cereal for breakfast instead of a dosa or idlis raises even more “pointed” questions about nutrition and my “american ways”, long-winded dissertations on doing as the Romans do while in Rome, and so on and so forth. I guess they’re just traditional, and I wouldn’t mind so long as I didn’t have to recieve lectures about it. To be honest though, the number of lectures I get has come down a lot now, but I used to get a lot back when I first came here. Oh, and before I forget, the standard-issue hassle I get with guests is present as well - my bathroom is always steamed up and out of hot water by the time I wake up.

An anonymous bachelor pad is starting to look ever more enticing…

Piracy - Crime or Last Resort?

The entertainment industry, it seems, is very interested in preventing piracy. So interested, in fact, that the RIAA/MPAA recently filed suit against an 83 year old grandmother. Who’d been dead for 6 months. Not to be left behind, their Indian parallels are busy getting raids on video rental stores organized, carrying out rallies, and (not just the Indian lot, this one) creating copy protections of greater and greater complexity, all in the name of “protecting their IP rights”.

According to them, the losses that piracy is causing them are too large to be accurately calculated, and could have apocalyptic effects on their (already questionable) abilities to produce quality content. So, apparently, the only way to stop this is by treating the consumer (who, incidentally, is the guy paying their bills) as a necessary evil – to be given stuff under strict contracts he can’t usually understand, and suing him for a million dollars every time he uses stuff HE paid for as he sees fit.

It is, as far as I’m concerned, an exercise in both absurdity and futility. Barring the fact that virtually no one will buy the crap the entertainment industry is coming out with at the prices they’re charging, where’ll they be left if they sue every customer who “misuses” their stuff? Knowingly or not, thanks to their crazy “contracts”, that’s just about every customer they have.

Obviously, I’m not exactly a huge fan of the entertainment industry, but I try to buy originals whenever possible. If I really like a game/movie/song I’ve bootlegged, I often buy it. But that doesn’t mean that I’ll buy everything, only to regret it later because it sucked/broke and I can’t get a refund/replacement.

Back to the prices. Six years ago, an English movie cost about Rs.600. A good empty CD costed about Rs.80 back then. Today, the same empty disc costs around Rs.10, while the movie still costs around Rs.600. If they’re so interested in preventing piracy, why not pay forward the cuts to the consumers? I mean, why not reduce the price of the finished product as the cost of the factors of production go down?

Six years ago, the costs of a good CD burner and some blank CDs were prohibitive in the extreme. Today, however, it’s almost the exact opposite. Not only are computer peripherals cheaper than ever, but it’s even possible to download large movies in a few hours. With all this going for them, why would said movie still cost as much as it did six years ago? I say it’s because they’re greedy b*stards, but you’re free to make up your own mind.

They (the entertainment industry) say that they’re losing money because of piracy. I say they’re losing money because they come out with crappy content, overcharge, and treat their customers like dirt. They say that they’re losing customers to the appeal of free content. Apparently, every customer who picks up bootleg content is another customer lost.

But what if said “customer” wasn’t going to buy the stuff anyway? These days, who will? You’re not allowed to make backups, you don’t get refunds or replacements if the CD/DVD breaks/gets scratched, heck, you can’t even (legally) lend it to a friend! Nope, you’re expected to just plop it into your player/pc and listen to/watch/play it. The makers aren’t even responsible if it messes up your player/pc.

If the film industry says they’re going to make less money by charging less, they can give their actors a pay cut for all I care. They won’t really lose much, and it’d be better than laying off a couple dozen other employees. Employees who haven’t got another studio to work for, or advertising/promotion gigs to fall back on, or even a second home in Switzerland where they can mope about their sorrows with kindred spirits.

What they don’t understand, as Wit put it, is that unlike the retail business, these boys don’t have a brand name to hardsell. People might say that they “love Reebok”, but to the best of my knowledge,
has anyone ever said “I love 20^th Century Fox”? Does anyone buy only Paramount movies like they do Colgate(toothpaste, not movies, wiseguy), or do they swear by Universal as they do Logitech? It just ain’t gonna happen.

As far as I’m concerned, piracy is just customers sticking up for their rights, and getting what they want the best way they can get it. In many cases, it’s the customer’s last resort, due to the unjustifiable prices of content. After all, if the service is good, the content worth the price, and the end user allowed to use stuff he’s paid for the way he wants to, why would anyone bother with piracy? Sure, it’d be free, but then you wouldn’t get the kind of support you’d get if you actually bought the stuff. That, in my opinion is what the entertainment industry should focus on – improving quality and boosting their image, not suing the people who’re paying for their summer houses.

The sooner these people realize that their audience isn’t made of a bunch of idiots who’re willing to get fleeced, the sooner “piracy” will stop.

- Edit -

While this article was originally posted on blogchaat, I thought I may as well repost it here, since I'm a little short on content and time right now. However, I do recognize that "reasonable pricing" is relative, and that movie/music studios do deserve compensation for their work, which does cost a lot, and that entertainment isn't a basic necessity of life. It's more the arrogant and uppity attitudes these boys have towards their customers that pisses me off. After all, why should the consumer be prevented from making a backup of a game/movie because he/she has kids who would damage the original? If they don't like that idea, then they should be prepared to issue replacements for broken products. Pretty impractical, maybe, but if they don't like it, let the consumers make their copies. Also, I dislike the way they stop people from editing their stuff - I fully support the open-source initiative, and think that letting people tailor the software to their desires is the best way to improve quality. When you get down to it, I side with IPac. That's about it for now, you may return to your regularly scheduled programs.

Heeeeeere's...

Nothing yet, but stay tuned for updates. Which will take place. Eventually.

About Me

"Shiny Butter Knife". What, exactly, does this mean? Besides the literal, of course. This is the question this page may or may not end up answering, depending upon whether or not the sum of the third function of the Sequence of Klarnextrozalthromengorteakaminipuzzayonoxxolpreezian numericals over the square root of the cube of the 95737679342nd integer combination of the Nasdaq indexes (exactly 31 years, 94 days, 42 minutes, and 47.5436 seconds ago) and the nth root of pi, where pi is a function of mathematical indifference over the state of affairs in a certain cheeseburger which is currently in a microwave, is equal to the number of hairs on a Klarglalian's backside when he's infested with Lice. Since that makes absolutely no sense whatsoever, let's pretend that this page can indeed do so, and torture some forks. No? Oh well.

Shiny Butter Knife is not, as some suspect, a name; nor is it, as others suspect, a reference to the state of a piece of cutlery. It is the title bestowed upon the most skilled wielder of the Shiniest Butter Knife, created by the Lice (who play a neutral role in the ongoing Mice-Penguin conflict) in order to facilitate the gathering of intelligence regarding the aforementioned conflict, as well as investigating certain other mysteries. Though that should answer the question, the author of this piece feels the need to go on a little (*coughyeahrightcough*) more.

ORIGINS:

Shiny Butter Knife was conceived in an alien spaceship travelling past Uranus (*snicker*) through hyperspace, and was born in orbit over Klarglan 7. The Klarglalians had abducted his progenitors, performed strange experiments on them, and used tissue samples to create the perfect pasta, which would later become the cutlery set which would then become the baby which would later become Shiny Butter Knife (but is still, according to most who know him, a baby). He was returned to Earth after the hapless Klarglalians realized that left unchecked, his dirty diapers would overwhelm their waste management facilities, leading to large-scale epidemics and flooding. The Klarglalians, it is to be noted, no longer travel through this region of space.

Upon his safe return, the earth gave a rather mild sneeze, the heavens tabled a motion to consider raining frogs, and a rather elderly gentleman in front of a urinal in a bar in London missed and hit his shoe.

THE SLICED SCOOP ON SBK:

Shiny Butter Knife's many interests happen to span the incredibly diverse and varied range of sleeping, reading, gaming, and eating, though not in that order. Due to Klarglalian interference in his genetic structure, he is often incapable of coherent thought. This, however, has never slowed his considerable intellect, which remains as devoted as ever to such pressing issues as "boxers or boxer-briefs?", "Batman vs. Boba Fett", and (most importantly) "Are those real?".

THE REALLY SLICED SCOOP:

SBK has recently been released from his contract with the Lice, and has begun to compose a brilliant piece of space opera which is sure to revolutionize the world as we know it. Just as soon as the crazy space monkeys get off their ridiculous strike (over some strange concept called "wayjiz"), it is sure to be completed.

Shiny Butter Knife currently heads the investigative powerhouse known as "Butter Knives Outcorporated", and serves as Chief Slacker-in-Office. He is widely regarded as "that one dude over there who did that thing that one time", and has often been described as "random" and "very fond of barbecued chicken". He also has a tendency rearrange things, make no sense, stop abruptly, and go on and on and on and on and on and on and o-

THE IRRELEVANT UNSCOOPED SLICE:

"If you're stupid enough to try to cut a steak with a butter knife, you deserve what you get - namely, electroshock therapy."