How To Be A Blogger*

Y'ever get that feeling where you have stuff to do (no, not drugs), but you just can't bring yourself to do it (stop it already. pervert.)? Laziness, the higher-ups call it. I've got another term for it. And that term is...

(*whispers backstage*: C'mon, it's not in the sheet! What'm I s'posed to say?! What's the word? Whaddaya mean "stall"? What the- dammit. Never hiring on a two-for-one basis again...)

...*cue carnival music. starts juggling* it's the...the...Super-Juggler! Ordinary...uh...hippie student (so sue me) by day, crazed juggler on steroids at...uh...showtime? ...Who gets arrested for possession after he kept his chronic in his...crazed juggler balls...which he lit on fire...and...got the talking monkey high with...Crap. This is clearly one of those moments. Or not.

So just what is this mysterious malady? It's clearly not Riterblokitis, [X] or otherwise, because I'm taking my meds for it. It's clearly not a defective internet connection and way too many viruses (which were my excuses all last month). The crazy space monkeys are still on strike, but I've got normal monkeys for backup on the typewriters in my illegal filipino sweatshop. So I'm just gonna do what I always do, and blame it all on...shredded cheese and pumpkin pie. No, really. No, I was not about to cry "conspiracy". Yes I'm sure. Of course I'm sure. Enough, already. Where was I?

Ah, yes. Shredded cheese and pumpkin pie. Why? Because I'm eating pumpkin pie, and I haven't got any shredded cheese. The cheese isn't here to argue the point, and the pie's not gonna be around much longer anyhow, so they make the perfect scapegoats. As opposed to goatse-Oooh, podcast done downloading. Hold up.

Alright, done. Comedy Central, great stuff. Right. *clears throat*

So I'm gonna call it an "aversion to coherent thought". This actually explains a lot, including (especially) my rants. No, really, read them. Please? Well, this one, at least. Notice how there's not much coherence? Yes. You see, coherent thought requires that one sit down (or stand up. whatever rocks your boat) and lay one's ideas out. Crucial to being a good writer, or so I'm told. Not that I'd know firsthand, of course, but so say my sources. No, not the ones who told me Aishwarya Rai was actually an android bent on destroying mankind's minds with bad acting (although I still think they're right) and smell like pot - I'm talking about the "reliable" sources. So what do I do? I do what I always do. I ramble on about nothing in particular, hoping to get more words and make my ranting(s), raving(s), and/or rambling(s) appear to contain actual content. See? I'm doing it again. A useful technique, to be sure. One which I use all the time in class.

So. There it is. The secret of my rants. Try it out, and you can be a blogger (of possibly semi-questionable sanity) too. All you have to do is:
a) Find a layout that looks great on your pc, but annoying and hard to read on other people's.
b) Fill your rants with bullshit about absolutely nothing in particular (or, alternatively, anything that strikes your fancy. no, little boys do not count. unless your first name is michael and your last name is jackson.) until it appears like you've actually said something - hopefully, of some import.
and
c) Even if you don't do b), do a). This way, you'll have a pretty (annoying), if empty, blog.

Thar it be. How to ramble incoherently. Coming up soon: the anatomy of a good, possibly deranged, rant. Stay tuned, loyal reader!

...Yes, you can go now.

*conditions apply.