Orkut. Must. Die.

PR0NZ IS YUMMY!!!111
Now that that bit of stupidity is done with, on with the show.


Orkut is ghey, and may Jerry Falwell's rotting corpse butt-rape those of you who disagree.

I'm not messing around here. I can and will personally set Zombie Jerry and his insatiable "newly-perverted-by-being-a-zombie" sexual appetite upon those of you who disagree.

Strong statement, yes, but I've my reasons. A whole list, in fact. The "scrapbook" and it's usage being high on said list.

People often use the scrapbook feature as if it was an IM client, and go on messaging someone like it's a private conversation. Newsflash, asswipes: IT ISN'T. Anything you're "scrapping" a guy can and often will be read by anyone with the interest or without a life*. That covers most of Orkut's (and, incidentally, Myspace's) user base, as I've understood it.

I don't like the layout either. Not that there's anything wrong with crappy layouts, but I really think that they could've at least pulled a Myspace and let users make their own. Instead, we are treated to a light-ish blue-and-purple monstrosity, where the "cool" (and often "modest" as well) tend to use ASCII art and SMS-ese. SMS-ese (lik dis) is alright, I suppose, when you're actually SMS-ing someone, or when there's a low character limit.

And not everyone is capable of typing in coherent sentences. "wer wer u yst??////" is alright, I guess...if you're a retarded butt-monkey with brain damage. In Siberia. And everyone around was illiterate and spoke no language that even remotely resembled English. But otherwise, it's plain stupid.

Speaking of plain stupid, so're people who talk themselves up on Orkut. If I hear someone say "hi im kwel fun luvn gal who luvs 2 frk out wid ma frndz" ONE MORE TIME...suffice to say, it's not gonna be pretty. Like Anne Coulter, who is also not pretty, but on a whole 'nother scale of horrendous hideousness. Back to the topic.

People who talk themselves up on Orkut are a pet peeve of mine. They seem to want to tell everyone just how unbearably cool and and "frky" and modest (rather, "mdst") they are. Lemme give you all some useful advice: NO ONE GIVES A SHIT. Yeah, you heard me. NO ONE GIVES A SHIT IF YOU CALL YOURSELF COOL, OR HOT, OR "FREAKY", OR EVEN "THE DOCTOR OF PRANKONOMICS". YOU'RE STILL A RETARDED BUTT-MONKEY. Capisce? As if Myspace wasn't bad enough, now we've got Orkut too...

They can't even type their shit right. I'm repeating myself, I know, but still. It deserves special mention. Example:

"umm..........m nt sur wat 2 say...........im a fun-luvn gal, alwys redy 2 party wit my frendz........."

...I'm just gonna say this once: W.T.F?!? Actually, no. I'm gonna say it more than once. Because I want to, don't ask stupid questions. WTF?! It's ok to say "umm" a few times in conversation. It's alright to type it in every now and then. But "umm....m nt sur wat 2 say" is NOT alright. If you're not sure what to say, then why are you saying it? There's the bit about being a fun-loving girl, and how no one gives a rat's penis, but that's already covered.

And then there are the losers loserly (not a word? is now.) enough to try getting some action on Orkut.

"Our hroscops match, cn I meet ur prnts on snday?"

is one such relatively tame example.

"hi wanna mak frenship wit me? im gud lukng guy wit big salry wrkn in amerca and im fair n handsum"

is another classic.

Then there are those who form/join those "communities" (don't even get me started...) devoted to idiocy with a sexual twist. And, of course, they are retarded butt-monkeys as well. I'm normally an open-minded enough guy, but disagree with me on this one, and Zombie Jerry's coming out. To all those of you who think Orkut's gonna put your hand(s)/sock(s) out of business: IT AIN'T GONNA HAPPEN, YO. Booty "scrapping" is NOT gonna get you laid! Trust me on this one, because if it worked, I'd be using it. And since I don't use it, it must not work. So you may as well just switch your browsers over to whatever shitty porn you like, and get your hand(s) lubed up...Which they probably already are, because if you're the sort I'm talking about, you're that big a (sexually frustrated) loser. Rather, that SMALL a loser. Go back to your fantasies about your mothers, you incestuous freaks. And take your smelly tube socks with you.

Meh. Orkut has become like Myspace: it's impurity soils the immortal souls of those who gaze upon its foul visage. I have to sacrifice a dozen virgin kilobytes each time I see it, just to feel pure again. I can only hope the Irony Gods (who rule my fate) are as forgiving...

Sit down, son. I'm not done yet. I said, sit down.

But of course, the main thing that gets me is this: every now and then (read: every day I can), I go to a local internet place to play Call of Duty 2. I have the game, but my internet sucks, and that's a pretty fun game to play on a LAN. It's a damn sight better than CS, that's for sure. But I go there, and there they are, the Orkutters - hogging machines to send everyone on their list a "whr r u?", and replying to the inevitable barrages of "im here whr r u?". Or whatever the fuck the respondents reply with. I wouldn't exactly know. And then, of course, they must have a friend hunched over the keyboard with them, discussing dialogue as they attempt to hit on a girl-who's-probably-a-middle-aged-pedo, hoping to score. But we've been over that, boys; it ain't gonna happen. At the max, you'll get a few pictures of the pedo's (grand?)daughter naked. But that's about it. Of course, given how loserly these losers are, they'll probably spend all night at home on their beds, jerking their abnormally tiny wangs off to the mental image of the fully-clothed pictures of a 12-year-old they got.

That's not to say anything about the asswipes who turn their monitors away from the rest of the room and hunch over it, trying for all their little hearts to act like they're not staring at porn (LOL PR0NZ). Or Googling |actress name| nude, trying hard to wank without using their hands, lest anybody realize and try to join in. Freaks, the lot of them. Tch. It just figures they'd accumulate on Orkut. I mean, look at what happened to Myspace, what with all the goths and emo('?)s and other weirdos. And then, of course, there was Rupert Murdoch. Pity. But in any case, at least Orkutters are safe from (dirty) old man Murdoch. Their souls are owned by Google, to be used in its (hopefully nefarious) scheme to take over the world.

Now don't get me wrong - I respect the right of every man (and woman, and child, and everyone else) to watch whatever sorta porn rocks his boat. Really, I do. But when I've gotta wait an hour just to get a system because of them, well, that changes things. The worst part is that nothing - snide looks, glares, derisive shakes of the head, NOTHING - short of a good kick in the pants seems to make them get off their fugly butts, and let me get my game on. Dirty rotten no-good...*dark mutterings*

*Sighs* Oh well. If you can't beat 'em...
*Googles |actress name| nude. Slaps forehead and corrects mistake. Sigh of contentment.*




*Yes, this rant is fairly hypocritical, considering that my layout is no great shakes neither (this black one, at least), that Blogger belongs to Google, too, and that I don't really have a life myself. And that I have both a Myspace and an Orkut. But I'm Shiny and they're not, so :p, you retarded butt-monkeys.