Roach. Cock Roach.

Cockroaches are cool.

I was thinking this to myself as I watched the cockroach on my bathroom floor get up yet again after I'd whacked it the 10th or 29th time with a flyswatter. Yeah, I know I'm supposed to be all nice and stuff to animals, but when it comes to mosquitos and cockroaches, they started it.

But while mosquitos are annoying and weak, cockroaches are cool. They're tough. I've stomped them, swatted them, smashed them, burned them, stabbed them, and used Raid on them, but a lot of the time, they just get back up. And then I step on them, hard(and twist), and then they die. But they're still cool.

This thought reverberated in my skullpan for a few minutes after I'd successfully transformed the cockroach into a steaming smear on my floor (they're enemy agents, I swear), and walked away with my trusty flyswatter holstered. The thought was promptly lost as I saw that I'd left a box of Oreos on my bed.

After making a nice and proper pig of myself (not a crumb dropped, I'll have you know), the thought came back. Why did I find cockroaches so goshdarned cool?

Maybe it was because of their armor/shape scheme; they look sorta like living brown Batmobiles. With all that shiny, sleek armor, and the way they just *poof* jet across the floor (don't believe me? try getting down there and pounding one with your fist. ain't as easy as it looks, is it?), and the fact that they've got those serrated little things on their arms like Batman does...heh. I've this idea that Bob Kane actually meant to make him Roachman, but the execs up at DC didn't like it. "Roachman, striking disgust, loathing, and a desire for a can of Raid into the hearts of housewives everywhere" would probably do wonders for Raid, but wouldn't help comic sales very much, methinks.

So I took the idea a little further, and it hit me - Holy Superspies, true believer, EVERY superhero is based (at least partly) on cockroaches! Think about it: super strength? Cockroaches are kinda strong for their size. Invulnerability? Cockroaches are pretty damn durable. The whole secret agent James-Bond-y schtick? You tell me, what do cockroaches do in your house, if not sneak around and cause trouble? Flying? Cockroaches can fly. You name the power, cockroaches probably have some variant of it. Ok, sure, other bugs were used as well, but I think the main inspiration came from cockroaches. I can imagine the brainstoming they would've done in the beginning -

Guy 1: "Hmm...how about 'The name's Roach. Cock Roach'?"
Ian Fleming:"Naw, we need something less misogynistic. Something the women will love. How's about a compulsive womanizer named..."
*Ian Fleming notices a small stack of "James' Finest Illegal Bond Paper! For the BEST forgeries around!", that appeared out of nowhere to serve as a plot device*
Ian Fleming:"That's it! We'll call him Illegal Forgeries!"
Guy 1:"Uhh...ok..."
Or something like that. Whatever.

As usual, I think this all leads up to a...(say it with me now, kids...) conspiracy! I think the cockroaches are out to get us with their massively superior prototype-superpowers. The only way to stop this is by destroying the Spice Girls once and for all. What's that, teeny-bopping(what's that mean, anyway?)-kid-who-had-to-have-this-read-to-him/her sitting over there? The Spice Girls are good, you say? "Zigazig Ha" actually means something, you say? Don't believe me, you say? Fine. You just wait. One day, when a nuclear missile is accidentally launched at China (or wherever), and a nuclear war starts, and cockroaches mutate into giant, 60-foot-tall Spice Girls, don't come crying to me. You go on listening to your stupid Britney Spears on your crappy pink iPod, you teeny-bopping(there's that phrase again...)...teeny-bopper! Yeah, that's right! Run home to mommy, you wuss! Damn straight, go whine to your huge(heh) daddy who's been in the army and served 2 tours in Vie-...oh fuck.

Shit. I gotta run. But please, heed my warning! Don't waste time! Kill the cockroaches! They walk among us! They must be eradicated before it's too late!

*Shiny Butter Knife runs off stage, away from a homicidal maniac firing a huge assault rifle.*


TV Voice: "That's all for today's rant, kids! Tune in next time for another exciting episode of 'Stupid Doom-Saying Rants That Make No Sense!', with your host, Overpaid TV Voice!
And now, a message from our sponsors!"

*Voice offstage says something unintelligible. Don't they always?*

TV Voice: "Whaddaya mean we got no sponsors?! Then who the hell is paying for me?! Say what?! Did you just say downsizing?! Why're you looking at me so funn...oh. Crap."

*A sigh is heard, followed the sound of footsteps, a pistol being cocked, and a shot. Starving kids in Russia rejoice, serving someone else's plot device. Footsteps again. The mic is switched off.*

Operation: Wizard World

The world as we know it is a place of rules. Of laws. And I don't just mean laws on illegal firearm possession, but natural laws. For uncounted centuries we have known that this world - nay, universe - was ruled by the laws of physics, and that we were in control of our own destinies...but is this true? Or are we just living under a regime of strict governmental controls, much as we have done for thousands of years with implanted memories of a past? In short...is this the *real* world? Or are we just lab rats in a horrible experiment by unseen masters, ruled by beings we can't even see, bound by chains we can't feel except through their effects? In short...are we the unwitting subjects of...|drumroll, please|...OPERATION: WIZARD WORLD?
(for the record, no, this isn't a rip of the Matrix)

In the early 21st century, a two-man investigation team(names withheld to protect identities) began to uncover evidence of the above. They discovered, in short, that physics is just a Government creation, used by them to rule us for countless years, and that we were actually living in the early 32nd century. The Government had been controlling us for hundreds, maybe thousands of years through physics, and most of our past(including the age we're currently living in) has already happened. Physics wasn't around for the ancient egyptians; it's how they could build the pyramids. Every great physicist who's led us to believe in physics; Einstein, Newton, Galileo, Feynman and the like; were all Government plants, placed where they were to increase our belief in physics. That actually explained a lot for me. Like my physics teacher.

The team also found that the Government is not the highest rung; they answer to the wizards. The wizards are the true masterminds of this plan, the shadowy architects who are never seen for the simple reason that they're invisible. They also look like giant furry Mice, which might be why they want to stay invisible. That's why the government keeps creating(that's right; not discovering, creating) smaller particles in an atom; it's so people won't start trying to figure out the wizard parts. It's also why you can't reach or go past absolute zero or the speed of light; you'll be able to see through the illusion if you do.

However, the length of time and sheer size of this illusion means that there must have been some innocent ones, both wizards and physicists, or humans who tried to get in on the wizard-act. And in fact there were. So what became of these rogues, you ask? Why aren't they striving to free us from this bondage? Well, to answer that question, they aren't around anymore. What happened to them is widely known as the Salem witch trials. Scary how it all fits together, innit?
(no, i'm not crazy, and no i'm not on drugs either)

Kill Bush!!

Cuz if I ain't getting none, why should anyone else?

Yes, that was a dirty joke, unless you're a US Federal agent, someone who likes Bush (the person), or just an asshole/idiot (they're all pretty much the same); in which case that reflects a plot by the denizens of Shinyland to kill George W Bush. No, really, we honestly don't have anything better to do, or lives to get to, and we broadcast these things OVER THE FUCKING INTERNET, ON OUR FUCKING BLOGS! For those of you who haven't heard, some girl posted a bulletin or something on her Myspace with "kill bush" (or some such) in it, so she was taken in for questioning. By the Secret Service. While she was in school.

I can just imagine what the scene at the White House would’ve been like –
Secret Service Agent: “Mr. President, a 14 year old girl in Sacramento wants to kill you.”
Dubya: “Gosh darn it, now I’m really smoked! Call in the Marines!”
Secret Service Agent: “Sir, by the way, we’ve received word of another Al-Qaeda plot in the works.”
Dubya: “Forget about them, they're really just misunderstood. I mean, they led us to all those dope and oil fields, didn't they? Focus on this kid. See if she knows where my teddy bear is. And where’s Dick? He was supposed to read me my bedtime story...”

Haven’t they got bigger fish to fry? Or are they really worried that a 14 year old schoolgirl on the other side of the country is really going to try, let alone succeed at, killing Bush? And doesn’t the Secret Service have anything better to do than going after kids and monitoring Myspace? After all, Osama is suuuure to use Myspace to contact his terrorist brethren across the globe…Why bother with messengers and drops and all those other spy-thingies; he uses Myspace! Maybe he uses Blogger (or Xanga, or Multiply, or whatever), too, in which case I’m going to have to figure out exactly how he goes so long without pizza or the internet in those damn caves of his.

Then again, it’s typical of a Republican to be this stupid; does Orrin Hatch ring a bell? Of course, Hatch is more of a hypocritical sellout than he is stupid, but you get the idea. I wonder what Samuel L Jackson would say if he was political and anti-Republican...”Enough is enough! I have HAD it with these MUTHAFUGGIN REPUBLICANS in this MUTHAFUGGIN COUNTRY!”, and then he’d proceed to kill them all with his mad Jedi skillz0rz. Or something.

Not to say that all Republicans are stupid, hypocrites, sellouts, or general all-round asses; I know plenty of normal Republicans who are perfectly nice people, and pretty smart, too. It’s just the leadership that I take exception to. Specifically the leader. In any case, all this is supposedly illegal on my part - you're not supposed to make threats against the "President" in the US of A. Not that I'm in the US of A, but I still wonder if he'll send his CIA men in for a rendition and haul me off to Gitmo or wherever...

Of course, this is all purely hypothetical, since you're probably neither a US federal agent, an asshole/idiot, nor someone who likes bush, I mean Bush, or you wouldn't be reading this. Assuming that you'd be able to read at all. And since you can, therefore you (probably) aren't (one of the three), suffice to say that Bush, I mean bush, does equate to (a) pussy.

(something to keep in mind - the last time somone listened to (a) Bush, a bunch of people wandered in the desert for 40 years)