About Me
"Shiny Butter Knife". What, exactly, does this mean? Besides the literal, of course. This is the question this page may or may not end up answering, depending upon whether or not the sum of the third function of the Sequence of Klarnextrozalthromengorteakaminipuzzayonoxxolpreezian numericals over the square root of the cube of the 95737679342nd integer combination of the Nasdaq indexes (exactly 31 years, 94 days, 42 minutes, and 47.5436 seconds ago) and the nth root of pi, where pi is a function of mathematical indifference over the state of affairs in a certain cheeseburger which is currently in a microwave, is equal to the number of hairs on a Klarglalian's backside when he's infested with Lice. Since that makes absolutely no sense whatsoever, let's pretend that this page can indeed do so, and torture some forks. No? Oh well.
Shiny Butter Knife is not, as some suspect, a name; nor is it, as others suspect, a reference to the state of a piece of cutlery. It is the title bestowed upon the most skilled wielder of the Shiniest Butter Knife, created by the Lice (who play a neutral role in the ongoing Mice-Penguin conflict) in order to facilitate the gathering of intelligence regarding the aforementioned conflict, as well as investigating certain other mysteries. Though that should answer the question, the author of this piece feels the need to go on a little (*coughyeahrightcough*) more.
ORIGINS:
Shiny Butter Knife was conceived in an alien spaceship travelling past Uranus (*snicker*) through hyperspace, and was born in orbit over Klarglan 7. The Klarglalians had abducted his progenitors, performed strange experiments on them, and used tissue samples to create the perfect pasta, which would later become the cutlery set which would then become the baby which would later become Shiny Butter Knife (but is still, according to most who know him, a baby). He was returned to Earth after the hapless Klarglalians realized that left unchecked, his dirty diapers would overwhelm their waste management facilities, leading to large-scale epidemics and flooding. The Klarglalians, it is to be noted, no longer travel through this region of space.
Upon his safe return, the earth gave a rather mild sneeze, the heavens tabled a motion to consider raining frogs, and a rather elderly gentleman in front of a urinal in a bar in London missed and hit his shoe.
THE SLICED SCOOP ON SBK:
Shiny Butter Knife's many interests happen to span the incredibly diverse and varied range of sleeping, reading, gaming, and eating, though not in that order. Due to Klarglalian interference in his genetic structure, he is often incapable of coherent thought. This, however, has never slowed his considerable intellect, which remains as devoted as ever to such pressing issues as "boxers or boxer-briefs?", "Batman vs. Boba Fett", and (most importantly) "Are those real?".
THE REALLY SLICED SCOOP:
SBK has recently been released from his contract with the Lice, and has begun to compose a brilliant piece of space opera which is sure to revolutionize the world as we know it. Just as soon as the crazy space monkeys get off their ridiculous strike (over some strange concept called "wayjiz"), it is sure to be completed.
Shiny Butter Knife currently heads the investigative powerhouse known as "Butter Knives Outcorporated", and serves as Chief Slacker-in-Office. He is widely regarded as "that one dude over there who did that thing that one time", and has often been described as "random" and "very fond of barbecued chicken". He also has a tendency rearrange things, make no sense, stop abruptly, and go on and on and on and on and on and on and o-
THE IRRELEVANT UNSCOOPED SLICE:
"If you're stupid enough to try to cut a steak with a butter knife, you deserve what you get - namely, electroshock therapy."
