Aliens Ho!

I wonder why we haven't been contacted by aliens. Unless we have and don't know it. But proceeding on the assumption that we haven't, I have to wonder why. I mean, the fact that the galaxy is huge and that maybe they just don't give a sh*t about us could be one thing, but then every advanced alien race has inscrutable motives and always needs a race of guinea pigs. Discounting the possibility that they just don't give a sh*t about us, and that maybe they have better stuff to do than keep messing with us, I've figured out why we haven't seen any aliens with really cool futuristic shyte and funky superpowers - they're scared of us.

I mean, imagine yourself in their shoes(or whatever they have): You're an advanced alien race with nothing better to do than mess with the heads of pathetic talking monkeys who're dominated by Mice, which will give you valuable scientific data that your advanced-ness and superior-ness hasn't already given you. Besides, it's a kick. You head over to their little green-and-blue planet and what do you find? You find that they're a lot more than you bargained for. They're a race that inflicts the mindless stupidity of Hollywood on themselves, their most powerful grouping(nation) is ruled by some jackass with an IQ so low it's a miracle in itself he can walk, talk, and breathe at the same time (let alone try to run the world), and they subject their progeny to stupidity, titchy desks, and unfair workloads that they call a "skule sistum", or some such. This is the race you're going to mess with. Hnh, good luck there, pardner! They're so f'd up already it'd be impossible to take one onto your secret-mothership-orbiting-Uranus (lol) without risking the complete destruction of your ship because the damned talking monkey drove your scientists insane, and now they're tearing their hair (or whatever they have) out and running around in purple shorts that smell green, convinced that they're being chased by an evil monster called "Jacko"(the whacko) who wants to sodomize their kids(or something like that)! And that's not even mentioning 90's pop and the Spice Girls...*vomit*

Honestly, what do you think are the chances that aliens of the universe are going to try talking to the species who could allow something as lethal as the Spice Girls come into existence? Honestly, I'm surprised they haven't blown us up for that alone...I'm pretty sure that they've at the very least issued some kind of warning: *ALL YE WHO GO TO EARTH...DON'T!!*

How do we correct this grave situation? I mean, after all, no aliens means no really cool futuristic shyte or funky superpowers. So we need them on Earth. My solution:
1) Destroy Hollywood with pony stampedes. That'll serve those f*ckers right. Besides, the Brits are good enough with english movies.
2) Depose Bush, and install a chimp in his place. He/She'll do a better job, and legalize weed and 'shrooms while he/she's at it.
3) No more school. We have to think of the future, after all.
Oh, and
4) Finish off the Spice Girls. We've got them scattered and disorganized, let's finish the job and eliminate them permanently before they can do any more damage.

We do this, and we're bound to get plenty of alien visitors. I mean, they're gonna wanna get in on the fun and get high themselves, right? And if not, we can drop summa that ourselves and think they're here anyway ;).