The Truth Behind Ritualised Weddings
Many are the poojas and hindu weddings I have had to attend. For those not in the know, a pooja is a hindu religious ceremony, and a hindu wedding is about the only thing on earth boring enough to cause death in the unwary.
Now, at these poojas and the wedding (hereonwards referred to as "the functions"), I noticed one thing common to all of them; well, more than one thing, really, but one thing really stuck: the priests were chanting in sanskrit. Seeing as I don't understand the language, it all sounded the same to me. At which point an ugly suspicion reared its head in my mind: what if it is all the same? What if these priests are just saying a few lines in sanskrit, and all they're doing is mixing them up and rehashing them? What if they're counting on the droning and the similiarity (at least to a layman like me) of the words to confuse us into thinking he's blessing people or whatever, when in reality he's just saying a bunch of nonsensical crap? I managed to stop , before I entered the territory of alien conspiracies, but that suspicion still niggles at me. I mean, it's what I would do...
Another thing I noticed they (the functions, that is) had in common was a certain long-windedness. Case in point: the wedding. The guy sits crosslegged in front of the girl(and vice versa) for hours on end, as certain "sacred rites" are performed. Then the couple has to be paraded around for a while, and then they sit in these incredibly ornate and incredibly uncomfortable chairs for another few hours. All under the glare of spotlights, wearing heavy jewelry and makeup and the like.
Doubtless there's some deeper cause behind this; however, my idea is based on the simple precept of most of my ideas: follow the sex. So it seems that the point of all this is to work the couple into a state of extreme horniness by allowing them to see each other, but not really do anything, for hours on end, so as to aid in the wedding-night "festivities". A sort of long-winded foreplay, if you will. Of course, this tactic may also backfire, resulting in a couple that's too tired to do anything but go straight to sleep that night. I suppose I shall have to conduct a survey...from a safe distance, that is ;).
Now, correct me if I'm wrong, but Christian weddings don't seem to have this kind of risky, hyper-extended foreplay. I mean, as far as I can tell, they basically walk up the aisle, say their vows, and start making out. I think that's far less risky; the chances of them getting too tired to get it on that night are much less, and the horniness quotient of the couple(s) should still be just fine. I suppose that's the main thing behind ritualised weddings: foreplay and horniness. In which case, I'm going to found a religion where the only ritualisation in weddings is some good old fashioned 69...and free condoms for the guests.
Of course, this kind of simplicity (in christian weddings) may also lead to the risk of a horny guy whispering sweet nothings in his girl's ear, and then, as they begin to make out, some SOB who's been ordained (a priestly version of myself, I would say) popping up and saying: "I now pronounce you man and wife". Or whatever it is they say. Not that they'd be legally married, but it may be argued that they would be "in the eyes of God". All in all, a great way for the aforementioned ordained SOB (or possibly just a guy in a priest's clothes) to screw with their heads...the best thing is that after this, a truly god-fearing couple (the ideal target, that is) cannot kill you or beat the living hell out of you without (a fear of) risking hell, or at least a serious loss of points with "the big guy upstairs" - possibly even being forced to listen to the annoying hindi “soniYE” songs with the electric drum beats and irritating techno effects.
The worst mistake you can make when pulling this trick off, however, is to target a violent, atheistic couple. Not only do they get huge discounts(in the form of non-expenditure) on weddings (all they have to do is register), they'll be more than happy to spend the money saved on a club and use it to cave your skull in, and they won't be worrying about the technicalities of applied metaphysics while they're at it.
Moral of the story? ->
1) Wedding rituals, no matter how much other people might disagree, are not about sacredness or anything; they're all about foreplay.
2) An ordained SOB (or better yet, a normal SOB in a priest's clothes) can have a lot of fun.
3) Violent atheistic couples, massive clubs, and priests/pranksters are plain bad news.
"O Lord, help me to be pure, but not yet" - Saint Augustine.
5 comments:
I think someone people would prefer the free coconuts.
;)
And many students still have Sanskrit as a subject in their schools, so I don't think the priests would risk anything of that sort.
Oh, and I know I said Traditional Christian Indian Functions are just as bad. I take that back, they're worse. Because they have the regular Christian bit and the local superstitious rituals.
Do what I do - go late, but in time for the wine and cake.
;)
Aren't the older generation in India too upight to allow any kind of foreplay in weddings? I've just been reading about the minister who banned a Satellite TV channel for showing a woman licking an ice-cream. I'd like to see more Indian women getting ice-cream licked off their tummies. What's the point having a bare tummy if someone won't lick it? That's the kind of thing to put in the poojas.
Hmm. Christian Indian weddings. Hadn't thought of that angle. But I'm sure foreplay is involved in there somewhere.
GB, most of these rituals date back to the days when chariots were the "in" thing, and like most rituals that old, people don't really remember the true significance behind it. That's why the older generation doesn't veto it; they're too prudish to realize the truth - that Indian weddings are all about foreplay. Foreplay and sex. In fact, most things in life are all about foreplay and sex. Like oranges.
Agreed about the ice cream and tummies.
As a daughter of a priest and a guest of many weddings, I can assure you that there is no conspiracy; at least none that I have seen. I do not understand Sanskrit, but I believe that I can trust my father. :)
On the subject of marriages in general, I think that it is as much of an institution as anything else--much like a business. So, why can't this be conducted like any other business (go to the Judge's chamber, and have him sign the marriage certificate? In the eyes of society, that's the only thing that matters). Silly us. -_-
"I mean, as far as i can tell, they basically walk up the aisle, say their vows, and start making out." - ROTFLMAO!
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